10 things that aren’t cool any longer!

Few years back, I might have called these “10 ways of looking cool” but like public phone booths and internet cafes, even this list has become completely dated. One could say that time and Amir Khan have made me preachy over the years but then again, I am a grand uncle now and it’s time I start behaving like one. So, in no particular order,


1. Wearing Che Guevara T-shirts

Yes, they are terribly out of fashion. Especially after kids started donning these thinking Guevara to be a cult rock-star. The ‘in-thing’ now is actually knowing who this bearded chap was. ‘The Motor-Cycle Diaries’ is a good place to start with but only introduces the subject. You may like to read some more on the internet.

2. Taking pride in your mess.

Unfortunately enough, living in a pigsty has become terribly obsolete too. It’s not just about being organized. It’s about staying away from skin diseases that can come in the way of getting laid. And getting laid, any given day, any generation, any culture, IS cool.

Also, I read somewhere on the net that mosquitoes have been evolving for 30 million years. During this time they've built an impressive array of sensory receptors. They possess chemical, visual, and heat sensors, all designed to zero in on a blood source. Moreover there are 150+ varieties of mosquitoes in the world. Not really being fond of these bloodsucking motherfuckers, I would like them to be in clear sight in my room so that I could use my million years of evolution to show them who’s the daddy. More the mess, more avenues for them to hide! Not cool!


3. Getting wasted and listening to Pink Floyd.

Though not the best, Pink Floyd is an amazing band. But claiming that you need dope to appreciate their music just proves it time and again that you are dumbfart. Each of these is a wonderful thing on its own and can be perfectly appreciated in isolation. Trying to make a “buy a Colgate toothpaste, get a toothbrush free” out of them is an insult to both.

4. Stunts on your motorcycle or car.

These were definitely cool few years back when powerful vehicles were not so popular in India. But now almost every dickhead has mustered some trick or the other and they have ceased to impress altogether. Also, to use a cliché, it’s not just your fucking life you are putting at risk but also of that old drunkard who may pop up in front of your vehicle any time in what seems like a valiant suicide attempt.

5. Losing count of beer cans.

It’s time you realize that people give a fuck to the damage you are causing your liver. But they care when they need to take responsibility of dragging you the washroom and pouring water over your head. They care when they need to clear your vomit from their carpet or answer your irritating girlfriend’s call on your behalf. They care when you start narrating your shitty tragedies with no regard for their patience. Beer is cool. But if your idea of a high is drinking till the walls start spinning around you, might as well play ring-a-ring-o-roses at breakneck speed. It’ll give you the same effect for free!

6. Playing Casanova

Bragging about multiple girlfriends is passé. This is the era of social networking where gossips spread faster than conjunctivitis. Hump all you want but shut the fuck up. You wouldn’t want your partner finding out about your sexual antics. And I wouldn’t want to know the places your dick has been to.

And on a personal note, I think the key difference between a horny rabbit and a horny human is the ability to masturbate. It’s evolution’s greatest gift to us and comes without Herpes. If you smell a contradiction here, I still state that getting laid, any given day, any generation, any culture, is cool. But at the same time, my shaft has not exactly been set up from the hard earned money of tax payers. So I can be choosy about when and where to use it.

7. Excessive use of abbreviations.

Picture this. You are trying to court this hot chick and you are messaging her from your phone. You use excessive abbreviations like “n8, f9, gr8” etc. What do you think would be her first impression? That you care more about saving ten paisa by shortening your texts than talking to her. And there goes your chances of being laid! And if you remember, Raymond Shaw is the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being I've ever known in my life. Sorry, I mean getting laid, any given day, any generation, any culture, is cool.

8. Using too many verbose phrases













The first time someone rolled a joint in front of me and said “let’s boom”, I ran out of the room shouting ‘Al Qaeda’. First time I heard someone mention “choking the turkey”, I started visualizing them, ah, choking a turkey by the windpipe. Not very creative, I know. But that’s the whole problem. Most of us are not creative enough to understand what these cryptic phrases mean and the entire conversation gets lost. So stop being a pompous wannabe and save your vocabulary for acing the TOEFL.

9. A British accent with no regard for grammar.

I didn’t invent English. I have not studied it after high school. And thus I am bound to make grammatical errors now and then. But the way I can make it sound less stupid is by not forcing an accent. Wrong grammar with a strong western accent sticks out like a sore thumb and makes you look like the jackass from the neighbourhood call centre. Either go back to your high school grammar books or start talking like a native. If you don’t like making choices, do both. Even if it means pronouncing ‘fish’ as ‘phis’!


10. ‘I am what I am’ profiles on social networking sites.

When Reebok came up with this slogan, they meant to identify with the youth that is fiercely independent and undeterred by established norms. But they did not mean to highlight a nation of people with an utter lack of originality and inability to describe themselves in a sentence.

Also, “I am cool” profiles do nothing but prove otherwise. If you want to be considered genuinely cool, go ahead and give a fuck to (or fuck) everything else but just try to be original at the end of the day. Humping while standing on a hammock has already been done though. You have to try harder than that!