The Funnier side of the blasts!

I don't know why I'm writing this. Usually I'd try to look at the funnier side of the more serious things in life but I don't think even Woodie Allen or Roberto Benigni could make a fine comedy out a tragedy like this.

More than 2 days have passed since the bomb blasts in Guwahati. And like every other coward I've fled away to safety. But the gory images refuse to let go of my mind. Every minute of 30th October 2008 was like living a nightmare, not merely living in one as usual. Strewn bodies dangle and dance in front of me just as soon as I close my eyes. Even a thousand miles away now I can't spot anything remotely funny in that fear. But I'm not one to give up so soon. It may be next to impossible when you consider the common and spread out destruction but on a personal front I'll now try to tell you how hilarious those events were.

# 1 : Okay, there's this new stupid mall in Guwahati called Pantaloons which has the distinction of being the first and only establishment in the state to have an escalator (big deal, yes!) and hundreds of people still untouched by the era of consumerism visit that mall only to experience the thrill of climbing up and down an escalator. Till two days back I used to make fun of that mall at every single opportunity but that fateful day it was this stupid mall that saved my life. If for some stupid reason (still very much arcane to me) I wouldn't have insisted my mom to pull over at the mall and spent some ten minutes looking and frowning at all the unnecessary things on earth I would have been buying 'bhoot jolokia' (The famous naga chilli which is considered the hottest on earth) at the Ganeshguri market place. And even basic probability would prove it mathematically that the chance of my mom and I turning into a 'bhoot' ourselves would be just a little shy of a 100%. I could have been amongst the hundreds of casualties bleeding to death in few of the most inept and unequipped hospitals in the country but I still went unscathed due to a silly whim...... funny isn't it?

#2: I'd refused to go home during my Diwali vacations on the pretext of preparing for CAT 2008. The real motive, though, was only to get stoned and drunk every night. But funds started running low lately and one day I suddenly called up my mom to announce that I'm coming home! And now, had I not been home for that short span of six days my mom would have been working in the court bang opposite the D.C court which experienced another deafening blast. I couldn't possibly comment on the possibilities of my mom being physically affected but it is for sure that our car would have been nothing but a piece of charred wreck and our driver a pulp of unrecognizable mass. With dozens of fatal casualties and dozens of vehicles being rendered worthless within a span of few seconds, my mom, our car and our driver (in that order of priority) are totally safe. All due to my inability to fund my own alcohol in Nagpur during diwali! Come on, that's a reason valid enough to get drunk tonight!

#3: The Jehadi forces along with the local ULFA are suspected to be behind the blasts. I've never been much of a pro-fundamentalist but there was a time probably when I'd have uttered kinder words for the ULFA. Yes, it's kind of amusing when I think of it now but there was a time I almost believed in the ideologies of the ULFA. Assam is separated from the rest of India not merely by the chicken's neck called Siliguri but also by the supreme ignorance and indifference in the minds of almost every individual in the rest of India. People ask me if it requires a passport to go to Assam. People ask me tigers roam freely in Assam and walk on the streets. They ask me if people in Assam still roam around in leaves with a spear in their hands. There are people who assume that ULFA is not a terrorist clan but the name for the descendants of Assam. I mean, this is the level of ignorance! So it didn't take me much time to get carried away when the ULFA leaders spoke of an independent nation with a redeemed self-respect and self-identity. I could almost visualize their "Asom', free from violence, intolerance and corruption where people would live happily and grow as one. Even if it meant having tea for breakfast, lunch and dinner. And riding on one-horned rhinos. And dressing up in silk for every occasion. I never doubted the concern and affection of the ULFA for its own people. But wow, how wrong was I!!! I don't know if it is the feeling of insecurity or power, but their revolution is long-lost. And my faith too has gone for quite a toss! Can it really get any funnier??

#4: Oh yes, it can. I was lucky enough to have fled away from Guwahati to Nagpur within those three hours that the curfew was lifted (an aggravated mob's procession led to the re-installation of the curfew an hour after I boarded my flight). And just as soon as I reached my flat here, my friend announced that intelligence has detected that the serial blasts all over India is not a haphazard one but follows a very planned and coherent sequence called the BADMAN sequence. B for Bangalore, A for Ahmedabad, D for Delhi, M for Malegaon, A for Assam and it has been presumed that the final N is for, yes, Nagpur. So having narrowly escaped the blasts in Guwahati and fled away to Nagpur, am I really finally safe now? Well, my guess is as good as yours!


And if you actually laughed at any of this, your mind is just as sick as mine!